Feeling of surreality. Maybe it's true, that I'm just not good enough.

But anyway, thank you for the things you have done for me. Ironic as it may sound, you matter a lot to me, and I care a lot for you, and I have always tried to go out of my comfort zone for you. Also, I do know the times when you stepped out of your comfort zone for me, and I really appreciate it.

But as I said, the little doubt in me, planted while you were in US, amplified by the incident in Shin-yuu - that I am not a priority in your life, always stopped me from reciprocating. I don't need to be a top priority in your life, because I know that that's really far-fetched and only time can put me there. But all I wanted to know is that you know that I'm trying. But you never did appreciate the things I did, I never felt that you reciprocated my actions. Instead, you told me that someone else is still more important than me in your life. I am not saying that it's your fault for feeling that way, because I know that everyone needs time to move on. But after thinking about yourself, and rationalizing that you are still trying to move on, how about taking a second to think about how I felt when you said that? That after all I've done, I'm still second in your eyes. I felt like something extra that you can use and throw away the moment you don't need me. Apologizing does not make remove that ever-growing doubt incepted in my head. What I needed was reassurance, was for you to say that I actually meant something to you. But maybe that's just too much to ask for, and you cannot say what is not true. I am beginning to understand that. This might seem weird, but pardon me, as I do have my insecurities as well, and it was, and has always been there since you flew off. Much as you tried again and again to reach out to me, you never cleared the doubt that I meant something to you, and I do not want to reciprocate to someone who puts me at the second place.

I can only say that I am confused with our 'status', whether or not we are in a relationship or not. It seems like you were flooded with expectations as if we are in one, but I don't receive the security and exclusivity that shows that we are in one. I felt that you took the things I did as a benchmark, as things that I should be doing.

I apologize for spending so little time out with you. I recognize it, and I was just about to ask you out for a movie that my friend said was cool, but I guess it'll never come.

The biggest question that I cannot answer is whether you actually planned for me to be in your future. I saw a future with you, I placed you before me, I thought of your welfare before that of mine, I was basically living my life for you. But everything in your life points otherwise. I wanted to do so many things and invest in us, but so many other things stopped me from doing so. Things ranging from your friends, from your take on our relationship. I just don't know what I truly meant to you. I keep telling myself that I am someone important, that I actually really mean something to you, but I can only convince myself so much without any reassurance. And it makes me fearful, makes me scared. It makes me wonder, what if you were to just turn your back and leave? Viola.

And the only reason why I'm typing this here and not as a text to you is that you don't get to reply. I don't want you to, because it might actually just mean more hurt for you. Not because I do not respect you enough to send you a message. Ironic as it sounds, I really do care about your well-being.

All said and done, I guess this is goodbye. I cannot promise you that I will be there in the same light if you ever needed me in the future, but surely I will listen to you if you need someone to talk to.

P.S. I guess this is another lesson learnt for me, that making someone promise that she'll be there for life does not take away the possibility that she'll walk away. I'm all so tired of trying... Looks like this whole saga just built a new layer around my heart. It makes me feel stupid to love, only to be hurt at the end. You asked me why I close my heart to the many things about me, I guess this is the best answer I can give you.

P.P.S. Don't ask a guy to treat you, and in return, say, "Come let me kiss you." I hated it.