A wishful soldier.

Two years ago, I went for an MRI with the recommendation of an orthopedic, but his exact words are still etched, ink for ink, at the back of my head - "There is a blood clot under your knee cap. It's like someone took a hammer and smashed it on your knee, but somehow the knee cap is totally intact. Maybe you can do some stretching and strengthening, but I really don't know how to help you. I'll recommend you for physiotherapy though."


Little bit of history, I was injured back in the days when I was still serving - I was training for AHM in my second year of service, which I never got to take part in. It was during the days where I was attached to S3 Branch, and on the bad days, I had difficulty climbing that one flight of stairs in Battalion HQ.


I never really told anyone about it, because even when I saw the Battalion MO, he thinks I'm faking an injury, I wouldn't expect anyone else to think otherwise. I was never referred for an X-ray or MRI, even though I was offered an option to down PES, which I never took. It's tempting, surely - exemption from ICT and IPPT, but I just felt that I shouldn't, and I couldn't bring myself to take it either.


So I moved on, completed my NS, and entered furthered my studies. Over the years, there were even two phases (around three months each) of my life when I ran around 16km every alternate day, and that was when I fell in love with running. My personal best for running distance was when tried to tackle East Coast Park and Changi Coastal Road (and other peripheral roads) solely on one little inflatable water bottle (around 200ml) that I refilled at public toilets and water points. I never expected myself to finish the full >40km, and I was right - my legs failed me at ~33km, and I had to take a cab back from there.


But all good things have to come to an end, and like that little grain of nightmare, the injury has continually haunted me for years, as do the expectations of the people around me - you are supposed to be fit like the rest, you ain't supposed to be like this. Well, like you, I too wished that I am fit like the rest. I mean, it's not like I don't run or gym or do fitness regimes, I do. But it's a constant battle between my sheer mental willpower and the pain, and it is really stressful.


And today, as you would expect, my long-awaited fear was realized - I failed my IPPT. To be honest, I never dreamed of the day that I would fail my IPPT; not this one, at least, given that I have been going on 4km runs and swam 2km recently. But from the first high jumper I did, I knew that it wasn't going to turn out well. The excruciating pain on my knee screamed at my body to stop for each time I landed. I failed my 2.4km run by two seconds. It's sad, really. I wished I had an extra 10% to give to my run, but I couldn't even muster an extra 1% to battle against the pain. Even so, knowing that I had persevered against the silent screams of my knee to stop, I feel that it was already an achievement. Not to others, but to me at least.


I know some of you would think that these are just excuses. But I guess you're right. In fact, I want you to be right as well. Because if it were excuses, I know that I would be able to fare better if I had put in more effort. But I guess, sometimes life just isn't that fair. I still miss the days when I was considered fit (even though I was never the fittest among my crazily fit batch boys). I miss, and appreciate, the days when my Wing Commander would stay back every Saturday to do RT with me, where I would do the 1,000 sit-ups each week. I managed a myriad of timings back in OCS, 9.16, 9.17, 9.19, 9.20, 9.22, but I never cleared Gold. I still remember, vividly, the look in Jing Zhi's face every time I ran past the end point, it's like, "Bro, I don't know how to say this, but you missed the timing by a few seconds." But I tried my best, really - I never missed a single IPPT re-test in OCS. I guess I'm just not too good a runner.


All said, I did manage to clear IPPT Gold once in my active days - It was back in the Training Institute, the last IPPT before we graduated from CSLC, and the feeling was surreal. In fact, we just did a power-run one day before, and I was expecting myself to not do well due to the lack of rest. But with the help and encouragement from my batch boys, I managed to clear 9:11. I felt really happy, and thankful, and proud.


Maybe it's time to put those hard-running days behind me. Things have changed, and I guess I should take it in my stride to accept things for what they are, even though I very much wished that things weren't this way. Maybe it's time to submit my MRI.


With much tears and sadness,

A wishful soldier.