Each sentence, each word, every single one of them is screaming, resoundingly in my head, for me not to go back where I came from.

Ironic thing is that I want to, but maybe I shouldn't. Maybe I should just leave the past as it is, to close the chapter and write a brand new book. Nobody knows how each decision will turn out, so which is better?

Will I find joy? Peace? Fulfilment and happiness?

But wait, was it ever about me?

Maybe not.

So, will you find happiness? Peace?

Maybe not.

But wait, is it really all about you?

Maybe not. I never told you this, but since the beginning, each time I try to put a smile across my face, my heart pains with hurt. I know, the truth hurts, but I really tried my best. Why does the truth hurt so much still?!

Maybe it's because the harder you try, the more it hurts.

So maybe it's not fair for me.

But what is fairness? Is it even supposed to be fair?

I guess, fairness breeds meritocracy, and I always believed in meritocracy.

But I am a victim of meritocratic failure.

I guess that's the irrational human behaviour. But it's not fair.

But hey, life is not fair, what were you expecting?

So maybe I should close the chapter and leave the past alone.

But I don't know.

Am I right?

Am I really right?

Do we really have to right our wrongs? Or is leaving ourselves wrong the best way to right them?

Too many questions that there are no answers.

Time for bed. Been long since I slept at this time. 4.19am. Too many things to pen down, too many thoughts in my mind.

Not helping that I've been having nightmares every time I lose grip of my consciousness. Literally. Multiple nightmares each day.

What is it with this episode of life that makes it so much more traumatizing than every other? What exactly is traumatizing me, causing so much discomfort to my subconscious?

But I guess, maybe that's the beauty of life. That even though we dream of unpleasantness, we still dream. Maybe it's because I am unpleasant. Whatever.

Does it take someone right to tell you that you are wrong?

Okay this is never gonna end.

I just saw your note. It makes me wonder, what were you thinking when you were writing it? Why is it that you can tell me such different things? So which am I to believe? Obviously, I protect myself and believe the one that hurts me more.

Yeah, maybe I should close the chapter. Each end is but a new beginning.

Who cares as long as we get closure.

Sad thing is that I care. I care to find out how you can hurt me so much, to find out how I can hurt you so much; to find out how I can do unto you what you do unto me? Role reversal? Maybe. I guess maybe it's just the defensive mechanism to smack, smash whoever tries to hurt me.

But hey, I was just a young child, how was I supposed to know what to do?

We were all once a young child, slapped right in the face by reality. Harsh reality.

4.34am. Goodnight.

Soothe my soul, Yiruma.

Nope, Yiruma can't. I thought you could. But nope, you can't, too.

I am the only one who can soothe my raging soul.

Now go to sleep, young child.

Cry yourself to sleep once more. Cry till there are no more tears to be shed, and awake to a brand new day, a new beginning.

YES GO TO SLEEP. YOU HAVE TO STUDY TOMORROW. QUIT WALLOWING IN SELF-FUCKING-PITY AND LIE ON YOUR BED.

Okay... Goodnight world. )':

I am back. I know. I finally figured it out.

The past 9 months has been a mistake. You were here, physically. You met my physical needs, sometimes my emotional needs. But my spiritual needs were never taken care of. Not spiritual, like religion spiritual, but things my soul requires.

From the start, there was no assurance, much less reassurance. I couldn't trust you because I knew I wasn't the one you were looking at. There was no security. Yes, you were here, but I knew, and always knew that all it takes is a snap for you to leave. And I was right, many times. Of course, things cannot go better from there. I tried, very hard, very very hard to be there for you, did every single thing for you, hoping that you will reciprocate, that you will one day realize that I might be the right guy. But that day never came. Maybe it was just wishful thinking on my part, but I really wished that that day would come. But I guess not, even until today. Maybe I wished too much out of someone whose heart lingers on. Maybe I just kinda wanted to try, to be hurt, just to feel alive and 'be in love'.

But indeed, right from the very beginning, I knew the end. Your body was here, but your heart never was.

The answer is now clear.

"If your heart's not in it for real, please don't try to fake what you don't feel. Cause I would give the whole world for you. Anything you ask of me, I'd do.

But I won't ask you to stay, I'd rather walk away if your heart's not in it."