I cried. It's been so long, that I didn't even recognize the feeling of me crying. And I never knew I could cry so much. Such helplessness, I cannot describe. Imagine being caught for shoplifting as a kid and brought to the police station, and you know there is no easy way to tell your parents.

I've hardened my heart for too long, been strong for too long, but even the strongest person needs someone at some point of their life. Which brings me back to the point that I really really really really don't have anyone in my life. Like really, nobody.

To add, I am supposed to be a hardworking university student, but here I am screwing up my university studies. I say, grades don't matter that much. But then again, what am I sacrificing my grades for? It's really personal indulgence, it's weakness, succumbing to temptations. I don't have much set for my life, I don't have a partner, no close friends, nothing. Amidst all these, I really really have nothing, nothing at all.

First time I have cried in so many years, it's draining my soul. I wouldn't be too surprised should I really decide to give up one day. My soul is frail, my body is weak, and my mind does not want to push on any more. Really, how much can we push on? How much can we go 'beyond our limits'?

I just want to wallow in self-pity and cry myself to sleep. Hopefully I will still be around tomorrow to continue pulling off my apparent happiness.