Pardon me, let me reclaim my personal space for this post.

Sorry readers, just ignore this post. I just want my personal space.

Okay I'm tired. I'm tired of trying to live a high life when I really actually have nothing. I'm tired of working and working and working and working and yet have nothing. I'm tired of chasing and chasing and chasing and chasing and yet have nothing. I'm tired. Sometimes I just want to close my eyes, and feel the moment stop. Sometimes, I want to close my eyes and be at peace. Sometimes, I. Just. Want. To Stop.

Yes, I hear many of my friends asking, in army, and after army, you seem to be the one who is making the most money. Why do you always say that you have not enough, especially when you did not even go for a single overseas trip or whatsoever.

Yes, without a doubt, I am making a lot. In army, higher risk pay, early promotion; after army, $1,700 job for 7months and 2 tuitions.

But do you all know what I am committing to? Do you all know in what situation I'm in? Do you all know what's going on in my life?

I hate the strong me, because I know one day I'll crumble and fall. I hate acting like there is nothing wrong at all. I hate to choose to believe that it will all work out one day, but reality hits, and hard. No, I never wanted my life to be this way. But in life, I don't have a choice. I have to move on from where I am. Comparison will only make yourself miserable.

To help you understand, if you are even in the least interested, here are some figures.

Since I started working, I have gave my mum $1,000, $888 for CNY. A few years ago, I gave my mum and dad $200 each. But sadly, really, they don't remember a thing. I also paid for the $900 air-con at my new place. I 'lent' my brother $2,000 when he went for exchange, but I really have no intention of taking it back. I really just hope that you'll treat mum better. Yes, I know mum owes you money, but do you really think that if she can pay you, she don't want to? Do you really think that she wants to be in this situation? Pinning the blame on anyone is not going to work. If any, it merely evoke emotions, and things will never be the same at the end of the day. Yes, I love you, and will stand by you for as far as I can see, and you too. But I guess somewhere in between, you stopped loving me. I guess somewhere in between, your priorities changed. I guess somewhere in between, money became the top of your list. And to add to these meagre figures, I paid 3 x $2000 rent last year. And did I even include the many family meals, mum's birthday, Mother's Day, etc? Having a better picture now?

No, I did not write this because I regretted these monetary transactions. In fact, I never did. If money is all it takes to keep the family together, I guess it is the least I could have gave. I am writing this post because I want you to wake up from your high life mentality and face the truth. I want you to stop taking things for granted. And lastly, I am writing this for the hope that you are mature enough to know what is important and what is not, that you are able to think, and make decisions for yourself. I'm writing this, in hope that you'll stop, and think for just a little while; to realign your priorities and objectives.

For one, mum is not young any more. Her health deterioration is evident, and I am sure you can see it. And you know yourself that you haven't been the most filial of a son. No, I am not saying that you should change, but I want you to not regret your actions when things are too late. I always heard of stories whereby children are rebellious and stingy when their parents are around, but filial and generous when they aren't. Really, do things at the point where it matters, not when it matters no more. At the bottom line, don't live to regret what you did. Do things right from the start, and I am not going to tell you what is right. It is subjective. If you are confused, just close your eyes, and use your humanity to feel. Now, that is right.

Secondly, I don't know why you don't want to talk to WQ, but I respect your decision. Now, if you want to use his car, at least have the decency to inform him, and compensate him for his petrol and cash-card. Really, if you do not respect him, what obligations does he have towards you? You need to learn to stop taking the best of both worlds, and start learning to not take things for granted.

Yes, and our quarrel recently, you know things will never be the same, nothing close. At the end of the day, I want you to know that you, and no one else, is responsible for your life. Why do I sense that mum is more anxious than yourself for your ICT. You are just using your phone, ignoring mum as she is trying to help you. And you said that you'll handle it yourself.

BUT WHY IS IT THAT YOU CAN FLARE UP AT HER WHEN YOU CANNOT FIND YOUR GOD DAMNED BOOTS WHEN YOUR ICT IS ON THE NEXT DAY? WHY DID YOU SAY THAT YOU'LL HANDLE THINGS YOURSELF WHEN YOU ARE NOT CAPABLE OF DOING SO? IT IS TIME TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY OF YOUR OWN LIFE, AND STOP SAYING THINGS THAT YOU CANNOT LIVE UP TO, TWENTY THREE YEAR OLD BOY. YOU SHOULD STOP TAKING THINGS FOR GRANTED.

For someone who proclaim to know a little bit of what is more important in life, my life is in an extremely turbulent state.

This is for you, my beloved brother. I know that if you were to read this now, it might seem like some senseless ranting of a young immature twenty year old. But come back another day, say ten years, or maybe twenty, or maybe even fifty years later, and I hope you'll understand then.

My life is in a mess. I hope that instead of making it messier, I am clearing it up. There is a right way of doing things, and there is a unorthodox way. At the end of the day, we both know which will prevail. Live well, live wise. I'm moving on.